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"Having dealt with depression on a personal
level, I know how alone and alienated once can feel. Fortunately,
you are not alone.
Life
can be better. mpower can help."
mpower minute: hear
Vanessa speak (MP3)
February 2004
everybody hurts
Even pop stars get the blues. Vanessa Carlton opens up about her
long battle with depression.
When I think of my childhood, I think of playing in the woods, and
I'm the only one there. I kept to myself a lot and had really low
moods. At the same time, I was incredibly productive, getting straight
As and ballet dancing competitively. But ever since I was little,
I've experienced patches of blue.
When I was fourteen, I got into the cutthroat School of American
Ballet in New York. I thought nothing of moving away from my family's
home in Pennsylvania; I was innocent, but very focused. For the first
two years, I was one of the strongest dancers in my class, and life
was great. But during my junior year, I had a growth spurt. I shot
up four inches. It was too much for the teachers to handle-SAB is
a finishing school and they couldn't help me train my new body. Very
quickly, I went from being a favorite to blending in. I had always
relied on my teachers' praise. Without it, I felt worthless. By senior
year, I was moved to a level l didn't want to be in. I sunk into
a deep depression and stopped going to class. I thought, If my teachers
don't miss me, why should I go? I felt abandoned and; in turn, abandoned
everything. I barely spoke to my parents for a year. My mom's attempts
at encouragement only made me feel worse.
Instead of dancing, I began composing songs on
a keyboard in my dorm room. I remember writing "Twilight," which
later made it onto my first album, and crying all the way through.
Music became
my savior, I didn't turn to drugs or alcohol though, l easily could
have. When the feelings are that dark, you just want to stop them.
You're not concerned With the ramifications.
After high school, things were okay for a while. I was working toward
getting a recording contract. Ironically, life got bad once I signed
that contract. It was what I wanted, of course, but it brought
on changes I wasn't ready to handle. My life was on display. I became
obsessed with my diet and with working out. I convinced myself I
was just following a regimen, but when l threw up for the first time,
I got scared. So I went on antidepressants.
I had always thought taking drugs for depression was a sign of weakness-you
couldn't get it together-or that drugs changed your character. But
you can have all the tools in the world and still think, Why can't
I get out of bed? I want to accomplish things. But you can't.
Once I got through my eating disorder and the contract stress, I
went off medication. But I had a problem again the next year. My
album came out and was doing amazingly well. I was seemingly on top
of the world. But success, I found out, doesn't equal happiness.
If my personal life wasn't working, and it wasn't, everything was
poisoned. I became unable to give interviews without crying. It was
obvious that sadness was affecting my work.
Taking a pill didn't change my life, but it did help me readjust
my habits and my state of being If your mind has resting place-where
it's inclined to exist-mine would be in the blues, I'm outgoing and
l don't mope around, but there is a heaviness that I always carry.
I now support mpower (www.mpoweryouth.org), a
Web resource for teens struggling with depression that focuses
on how music can help you
overcome rough times, like it did for me. What's great about the
site is that if you're uncomfortable telling your parents or friends
how you're feeling, you can still get information online.
Today I am happy and healthy, preparing for my next record. I take
things as they come and try not to over think. I'm not on medication,
but I'm not afraid that I may need it again. I've figured out what
keeps me going, and that's the richness of my relationships. If those
are solid, than life is grand. If my career tanks, sure, that'd be
upsetting, but at the end of the day, if I am close to my family
and my best friends, then I'm pretty lucky. - AS TOLD TO ALYSSA GIACOBBE
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